


Merher

by heidy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2013-12-14
Packaged: 2018-01-04 11:36:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1080563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heidy/pseuds/heidy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Don’t merher with me, I’ll merher you up. When punk goth kid Grisha Jaeger falls for good kid Reporter, things spiral out of control. Will their love stand in the face of evil?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Finding Out

**Author's Note:**

  * For [squadlevi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/squadlevi/gifts).



> Merher, mer her her mer her her. Merher, merher merher her, mer her mer mer her her. Merher her, mer her merher her merher.

Grisha started reading the paper. He stopped. He cried. "Merher! You stupid fucking merher!" His tears formed in blood. "Fucking Merher wasn't in the fucking paper today! Merher! MERHER!" Grisha cried a lot of blood.

"That fucking reporter went too merher," he growled, clenching his fists together tightly as he rose from the his chair. It went squealing back against the tiles. "I'll kill them. I'll kill them all merher." He couldn't stop laughter from bubbling in his throat and it came out sounding something like a strangled seal.

"I'll cut them up, tear them into merher.... and hermer!" He screamed, the sound loud and somehow satisfactory.

Upstairs, Eren rolled over on his bed. "Did you hear that?" he asked, to nobody in particular. "No?"

Mikasa was underneath Eren's bed; it wasn't meant to be weird, even though it did come off as that, but she was simply there to just protect him -- to be with him, _around_ him.

"Eren, I think that was your father," she whispered, attentively listening to Grisha's loud, booming footsteps come roaring up the staircase.

"Fucking Merher!" he shouted, flinging his hand back and letting a lamp fall down. "I'll get fucking Merher to clean that up," he grumbled, walking toward his room. "I'll fucking merher all of them," he said. "I fucking told them to not merher with me."

"E-Eren," Mikasa said, "I think your father is going through his merher phase...  _again._ "

Eren leaned over his bed to look at her underneath it. "Again? You mean, he's already fucking started. Once he starts, he won't ever shut up."

"They don't fucking call me Grisha 'Merher' Jaeger for nothing!" Eren heard his father say. "I'll fucking merher all you, you little fuckers!" He kicked the wall, punched the door, clawed the window. He was pissed, and Merher was not going to end any time soon.

Because, like Eren said previously, once he starts... it never ends.

Mikasa sighed, wriggling out from beneath the bed. It was musty and gross and she stood up, wiping dust off of her pajamas.

"At least he didn't have a one night stand with a reporter again," she said dryly, stretching her arms backward. "If we hadn't intervened, he probably would have proposed." She paused. "Or accepted that douche's proposal."

Eren's eyes bulged out of his skull. " _Again_?"

Mikasa kept silent. "I, um, didn't say anything. Forget what I said, please..." She shook her head, wanting to smack herself upside the head. "I wasn't supposed... I really wasn't supposed to even mention that. Even I... I know it's true, because I walked by when they were... but... um... You weren't supposed... to know... I'm...!"

"What about  _Mom_?" Eren shrieked, glaring at Mikasa. "You know, my mom, your foster mother. Carla Jaeger. Remember her? Does she know  _anything_  about this little... affair?"  
  
Then, Eren was the one to be silent this time.  
  
"Hold on a minute, Mikasa..." He let out a heavy sigh, crossing his arms. "Is this your way of telling me... my father... your foster father... He's... gay?"  
  
Mikasa could only nod.  
  
"Does that mean... he never had the merher for Mom...?"  
  
Mikasa shrugged. "I don't know about that..." She looked at him, shaking her head. "...I'm sorry. I should've kept it to myself."

"Wait," he said, jumping out of bed as realization dawned on his face. "If he never had the merher for mom.. but he had the merher for that  _other_ woman... then that means it isn't a matter of gender." His eyes widened and his head snapped up, locking gazes with Mikasa. "He's merhersexual!"

Eren screamed suddenly, dropping to the floor wrapping his arms tightly around himself. "Is it contagious?"

"Eren. Don't be stupid." She ran to his desk to get her laptop, turning it on immediately. "Merhersexual is like a Tumblr URL, so don't be silly over that. You can't catch a Tumblr URL unless you trade someone or something." Eren looked at her cluelessly. "...I don't even understand it myself."

Eren became incredulous, because Mikasa seemed to be a technology nerd or something when she was in his room alone. She knew everything besides this stupid thing called Tumblr. "Whatever," he said, shrugging it off. "Just as long as I can't catch it, I'm fine."  
  
Mikasa typed merhersexual.tumblr.com onto her internet browser.  
  
She screamed.  
  
Because the person who ran that was...  
  
...Grisha.

 Eren screamed, scrambling further back until his back pressed against the wall. If it hurt, he said nothing about it. Whimpering, he hid his face in his hands. "Mika...please tell me... that wasn't.. what I thought that was..."

 Mikasa gave him another weak smile, slamming the laptop shut. "Let's just say that we know what Dad reads on his Kindle at night now."

 "Or... do you mean...  _watch?_  Fucking... gay...  _porn_? He watches... that kind of... stuff?" Eren was so surprised, and he couldn't handle it -- he fainted.

Mikasa caught him and held him for a while. After a bit, she put him back in bed so he could some extra rest -- he desperately needed it, especially because of his reaction to his father. "I hope you don't turn into a Merhersexual," she whispered after getting onto the other side of Eren's bed, snuggling up to him. "I really hope you stay the way you are... Eren."  
  
"Fucking Merher!" Grisha screamed. "Where is the fucking porn on my Kindle? Carla! Fucking Carla, you merher! Did you fucking delete it?"  
  
From downstairs, Carla called back, "No, honey, I have your corn on the table! And I haven't eaten any of it! It's all ready for you down here. Come as soon as you're done with whatever up there."

 "I don't want your fucking corn!" Grisha yelled, lumbering down the stairs. He tripped and fell. "Your fucking corn made me merher down the stairs!" He grabbed fistfuls of his long, brown hair, chewing angrily at his bottom lip.

 Carla would never admit it, but she was wildly jealous of his luxurious locks. She would shave them off when he was in bed. There could only be one. "I only want merher and you stupid merher, you her merred it off my mer!" His eyes were wild and crazed, and Carla could no longer tell if she was staring into the eyes of a merher or her husband.

 There was no difference.

 "I don't know... but... you need to stop, Grisha..."

"Merher!"   
  
"...Grisha."  
  
"Merher! It means shut the fuck up! Learn it!"  
  
"Grisha."  
  
"Fucking listen!"  
  
"Grisha!"  
  
"Shut up, you fucking merher," he growled, stomping out the front door. He grabbed his phone and texted the reporter: "I need some dick, merher."


	2. Heidy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old flame shows up and threatens not only Grisha and Reporter’s fragile love, but the world.

Grisha ran outside, sitting on the mailbox for at least a few minutes. Up on the mailbox, it was comfortable; he could feel the chilly breeze flail through his hair.

Until he realized he was bald.

Before he ran outside of his home, he was angry with Carla. And Carla was trying to kill him… with scissors. Instead of slicing his neck with the small blade, she ended up cutting off his long locks.

And now he’s here. On top of the mailbox.

"Merher," he cried, hoping the merhers would hear him.

"…Merher," they called back, "you dumb fucker."

The reporter finally texted back, though. He sent SURE, CAN I BRING MY FRIEND?

Grisha immediately texted the babe of a reporter back with a YEAH, THE MER THE MERHERER.

He sat, perched on the mailbox, humming contentedly to himself. The merher was, no doubt, attracted to him. The mer the merherer, after all. And it wasn’t as if he was worried about the reporter’s _special friend_ stealing his affection. That simply wasn’t possible. Grisha was too merher for him, too merher for this cruel world. He supposed he’d have to bring everyone to his level and he sighed, about to run a hand through his beautiful (nonexistent) locks.

In retrospect, he should have realized that the mer did not necessarily mean the merherer, especially when “mer” was not synonymous with “squirrel”.

What appeared to be a ball of furry rags rolled over to him and he screeched, toppling off the mailbox. “What the fuck?” Grisha yelled at the top of his lungs, “What the fuck?”

The squirrel batted its eyelashes. “Yiff yiff, merherfucker.

Grisha waited for his lovely, babe reporter. “I love gay reporters,” he began, “more than I love cooking squirrel.” He turned his head then, looking at the squirrel next to him. “When I say ‘cooking squirrel,’ I mean squirrels like you. Yiff, yiff, that you little merher. Don’t merher with me, because you and I both know that I’ll merher you up, merhering squirrel.”

"But what I love more than cooking squirrel, a little less than gay reporters, is really gay porn." Grisha pulled out his Kindle and went to his Porn app. "I could watch this shit all day."  
  
“Shut up, merherfucker,” the squirrel said.  
  
The squirrel got smacked and it fell off the tree. “You’ll merher for that!” the squirrel whined, entering the house by going in the open window.  
  
“I love how gay porn teaches me new things,” Grisha said, “to do with the reporter, especially _to_.”

Grisha began to laugh, eyes glowing with a crazed look. Heidy watched from the mirror, terrified, as the Grisha proceeded to makeout with his kindle. “Yeah, reporter, yeah, that’s right,” and Heidy wanted to die then and there, “press all the right keys on my typewriter, you know you do.”

 It was probably around that time that Heidy began to scream as loud as a squirrel could, tumbling off the edge of the window sill and landing on the floor beneath it.

‎ “What the fuck,” squealed the squirrel, scampering down the hallway on short legs, “I gotta piss.”

Heidy dashed up the steps, trying to find the bathroom. There were only three rooms on the second floor, so she figured it wouldn’t be too hard to miss.  
  
However…  
  
One of which she checked was the room of the gay merher, Grisha. There were… inappropriate things all around the room — on the floor, on the desk, even on top of the bed. It was a mess — a mess of sexual things that shouldn’t be mentioned.  
  
She quickly went out of the room and slammed the door shut. She checked the next room…  
  
…only to find her crush.  
  
Mikasa Ackerman.  
  
A man, precisely the same age, had his arms wrapped around her. She was still awake, but it seemed like he was sleeping. She was petting his hair, rubbing his back, softly singing him a lullaby — they seemed like an actual couple.  
  
Heidy screeched. “No!”  Waterworks came. “No, no, no, no—! Please, Mikasa…!”  
  
Mikasa heard the squirrel screech, and she stared at it. “No… go… away…” she whispered.  
  
“You fuckers know you ain’t supposed to fuck without me,” she said, undoing the buttons on her squirrel suit.

**Author's Note:**

> TRANSLATION: Hello, and thank you for reading this. We, the wondrous authors, hope you have a nice day. And hopefully, you really enjoyed this story.


End file.
